Discovering My Soul

I was listening to a sermon where Pastor Ron Carpenter was teaching on the soul. I was 25 and I was just learning that the soul was one’s mind, will and emotions. It was then I was awakened to the knowledge that how someone thought, the energy in which they approached life and the way in which they felt, acknowledged and managed their emotions would significantly impact their lives. However, the health or disease of one’s soul wouldn’t just affect their lives, it would impact every other person connected to them too. At the time I was dealing with self hatred and I didn’t know how to love myself; yet,  I desired to love my children well. This desire motivated me to ask God to teach me about my soul.

I began seeking God to know what the condition of my soul was. At the time I had an enormous amount of self hatred, so my self talk was horrific. I was abused and I abused others. I didn’t trust God, I consistently took my life into my own hands. Taking my life into my own hands lead me to distrusting myself. I kept choosing romantic partners who abused me. I had a poor self image and I constantly berated myself when I made mistakes. I felt powerless and I took the position of a victim in my own life. All the narratives I rehearsed to myself were of my shortcomings, my mistakes or the hurt and pain I experienced with people. Rehearsing was my way of attempting to figure it out.

One's will is the expression of their desires through their actions. My desire was to love and be loved yet the means in which I approached fulfilling this desire was from a state of fear and scarcity. I began performing in life instead of living with the hope that I would be loved and love others. I didn’t believe I had space to make mistakes, learn, grow, develop and still be loved. I was afraid I wasn’t worthy of love. My hope was to never be abandoned or rejected again. Making others happy was my mission. My soul said, “I’ll do or be whatever you desire, just please love me and don’t leave me.” 

I was only happy with myself if others were pleased with me.  I served others not only for their benefit, it was for me. I carried a false belief that if I did everything right, and I didn’t hurt anyone then I would be worthy of love and the security of their presence. All that I did wasn’t completely pure because there was more fear and lack that drove me instead of the purity in the love of God.

Emotions should be like indicator lights in our vehicle of life, they should never be the steering wheel. At the time my emotions lead my every move. And not just my emotions, the emotions of others too. Living life in this way was like riding a roller coaster over and over again. Eventually, you get sick of the ups and downs, the screeching, halting, jerking and tossing around. Happy, sad, glad, disappointed, hopeful and then enraged. All these emotions steered the vehicle of my life either toward green pastures described in Psalms 23 or the desert described in Psalm 63. 

This was the condition of my soul when I sought God and discovered my soul was sick and I needed to be nursed back to health in my mind, will and emotions.

Along with prayer the word of God challenged the way I thought. As I write this I remember another teaching I heard from Pastor Ron Carpenter where he said the Proverbs exemplifies God’s wisdom and heart about every topic in the world; whether that’s money, manhood, womanhood, children, building, working, friendship.  Every single thing you can think about is in this one book. I went through the book and began studying the particular areas I had the most difficulty in. In prayer I asked God to help me change my way of thinking. Through prayer, reading Proverbs and the Bible as a whole, fasting and obedience to the things God laid on my heart to do, my thinking was transformed. The scripture says in Romans 12:2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God. 

Through connecting with God I began to experience the purity of his love. The scripture says The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is longsuffering to us-ward, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance (2 Peter 3:9). Repentance means a change of direction. His will is for us to turn away from the paths and the ways of thinking that lead us away from him, ourselves, our loved ones and his good purpose for our lives. Everything God does is from a place of love, and my desire has become to do the same. I seek God year after year to become more pure in the love I exemplify from him and for his love to be the foundation of all I do.  

 As a highly emotional person one of the first understandings I received from God was he wanted me to share with him how I actually felt. I didn’t have to filter or distill my feelings with God. There was no need for a mask in his presence. I could expose my heart to him. He was my shelter. 

When I was honest, transparent and vulnerable in prayer with God I experienced how much he cared about me. He truly was touched by the feelings of my infirmities. Every feeling I felt wasn’t always pretty or pleasant yet there was space for me to pour out my cares on him. In those times of prayer and through his word my emotions became indicator lights instead of the steering wheel in my life.

So here’s the story of when I was first introduced to my soul and what God revealed to me. What I’m grateful to say now is that God took the time to help me go through a metamorphosis. He was there every step of the way. My brother Jonathan and people who have known me intimately saw I was fundamentally different. My soul is healthier and I am operating out of more love than fear these days. The work isn’t over, however any place in my soul that needs healing I’m confident that I know and love the physician of the soul through my relationship with Jesus and he makes all things new.